Over the past year and a half I have been battling severe depression (which leads to suicidal thinking)-along with psychosis (Which is mainly controlled with medication now) and severe OCD. In that time my depression has been in a downward spiral.
Even with each medication we tried I’ve just been feeling worse and worse. Medications were making me feel hopeless. I felt as if every few months my Dr would say, “Here’s another medication to try. It may work but probably not so welcome to your life for the next two months while we wait to see if this works,” (OK, maybe they didn’t quite say it like that…)
Then every few months I would report “No change” (in fact, I was feeling worse). I’ve been stuck in a hopeless downward spiral of depression. All I ever feel like doing is sleeping but the OCD makes me need to try and distract myself from my thoughts. No matter how hard I’ve tried to make myself feel happy I’m just not. Happiness feels so distant; out of reach.
Because nothing is helping my depression we are trying electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday they put me to sleep and then shock my brain into a controlled seizure. The weird thing about ECT is that no one knows exactly how/why it works. All they know is that it “resets” the chemicals in the brain.
I started ECT on Wednesday (Jan. 21st) and I’ll have up to 20 treatments. There is a lot of hope that ECT will work for me. I’ve seen a few other people have really great results from ECT and I’m hoping to see the same for me. So far I’ve only had two treatments so it is too early to see a change but the treatments have gone really well-my body is responding well to the treatments.
After the ECT is finished we will still be going to Toronto to get assessed and get some treatment for the OCD.
In the Bible, Canaan was a land with giants. The Anakites may have been 7-9′ tall. Many of the walls around the city were up to 30′ tall! The Israelites fear was understandable but not justified because the All Powerful God had already promised them victory. Sometimes I find myself fearful of the war raging inside my heart. The battle of good & evil; joy & sadness. I focus on the negatives and doubt God will actually pull through and help me find victory.
“Where can we go? Our brothers made us lose heart. They say the people are stronger and taller than we are with walls up to the sky. We even saw Anakites there.Then I said to you ‘Don’t be shocked or afraid of them! The Lord your God is going ahead of you. He will fight for you just as you saw him do in Egypt and you saw how The Lord your God cared for you all along the way as you travelled through the wilderness, just as a father cares for his child. Now he has brought you to this place.” Deuteronomy 1:29-33
Although the road God wants us to take is sometimes scarier and harder, God has promised to lead the way and take care of us just as He has brought us this far in our journey.
Please pray that I will trust God when he says He will win the victory in my battle. Please pray that the ECT works and for as few side effects as possible.